Most men are so worried about the perception of weakness that we block out and shut down emotionally from others. We can shut out those who we most care about without realizing it. We are strong to a fault. And as someone reading this, and for the one writing this, please know that it sucks for us. We build this up inside for so long. So long that we do not know how to let it out when that time comes. We hold this all in. Trap it. It eats at us and we start questioning things more and more.
Brené Brown explains it in her book, Daring Greatly, as a shipping crate/box to explain how shame traps men in. She interviewed many men of all ages about shame. One such 22yr old man put it as such:
"Let me show you the box." I knew he was a tall guy, but when he stood up, it was clear that he was at least six foot four. He said, "Imagine living like this," as he crouched down and pretended that he was we stuffed inside a small box.
Still hunched over, he said, "You really only have three choices. You spend your life fighting to get out, throwing punches at the side of the box hoping that it will break. You always feel angry and you're always swinging. Or you just give up. You don't give a shit about anything." At that point he slumped over on the ground. Then he stood up, shook his head, and said, "Or you stay high so you don't really notice how unbearable it is. That's the easiest way."We want to break out of that crate and be alive so bad, but we constantly trap ourselves. We trap our emotions in that crate so that we don't fall apart in front of people, so that we don't show that weakness. We gloss over it. We are afraid of sharing that vulnerability.
We hear the cries for us to speak up and share. We do. But that fear of weakness destroys us. And once this fear grows, it festers in all aspects of who we are. We lose confidence in ourselves. We question if we are good enough. We lose our sense of worth. We lose our sense of accomplishment. We don't show up. We lose our self in our thoughts and at that point, many don't know how to dig out.
Women are told to think about how they look, being perfect, and having that image of perfection that they are caught up thinking that that is what is going through men's minds. It's not. Stop fucking putting that on us and telling us what we think. We think: Do you love me? Do you care about me? Do you want me? Am I important to you? Am I good enough? That's what goes on inside of us. This goes for day to day issues and bleeds into our sex lives. When our partner wants to be with us, that builds us up, that gives us that confidence that we are more worthy in their eyes. We want to be your one. If we feel we are not, we will continue to fall into the same pattern and shame.
Most men, I want to believe, want to get past these walls, we do, I do. We want to tear down the barriers which have us dying inside... Trust me.
Trust that once one brick falls, another will, and another. Once we are willing to do so, willing and comfortable to open up. A new man will come alive in front of your eyes. One who wants to live. One ready to be vulnerable. One who is truly ready for life!
I'm going to add this video from Brené, she is brilliant by the way, because it hit home for me...
